i want to stop smoking, i really do. i think it's already taken a toll on me, i got short breathed after walking for only like 20 minutes (i used to walk around without problems for an hour a day). i seriously think my skin aged twice faster than it should. my bare face looks a bit dull sometimes (since i don't really use make-ups) and my tongue feels a bit more bitter when i swallow stuffs. but it's really hard to do that, especially right now, when my mind are stuffed with so many things, my body got pretty much overworked and i skip meals occasionally because of financial reason (i hardly have lunch at home, if you get what i mean). Smoking actually helps me a lot to sort of things in my mind, it makes everything a little bit more clearer, it got me full even without eating anything decent to be called nutritious meal. it also gives me a sense of comfort that i possibly can't get from others, even from my boyfriend.
i want to be a girl, a real girl, for once. i want to wear pretty dresses, with laces and flower pattern. i want to wear killer heels, like ankle boots with 8cm heels or a classy leather boots that match with skinny jeans or hotpants. i want to look good, for once.
i wish boys would stop looking down on me just because i wear converse and simple polos. i wish they would just disappear from the world for even insulting about the way i behave towards them, just because i'm honestly not interested in them and don't feel the need of being cute around them. i wish they knew how i feel everytime they talk about how imperfect i am behind my back. i wish they would just shut their fucking mouth and stop being a dick for being so insensitive and uncaring towards us, girls.
i wish i could just pack my things and leave everything behind to start my own adventure. i want to travel around the world, sitting inside a plane for 30 hours journey to europe, got too many stamps and visas in my passport so that i have to make a new one since i'm running out of page to stamp. i want to taste the local cuisine, walking around in the local market and buying too many local snacks which i would share to other travelers in the guest house. i want to take so many pictures, of me in eiffel tower, of me wearing a traditional kimono in kyoto, of me eating tacos in new york, of me sliding along the glaciers in north pole. i want to fall in love with strangers, flirting around with local guys, creating a bizarre love story with a guy whom i meet accidently when i'm lost. i wish i could just being irresponsible, not even thinking about everyone else. i wish, just for once, the world is about me.
i wish i lived somewhere else but indonesia. maybe, singapore. or seoul. or berlin sounds cool too. beside the food, i hate everything about this place. the people are cranky, the government are sucks, and everything seems to be complicated here. i hate the road, the public transportation are so fucked that i can't even enjoy my journey from home to university. it's just, not comfortable anymore for me.
i wish some people didn't look that good in my eyes. i wish they were just strangers, someone else. just lee jinki and jung yunho, not onew and uknow yunho. i wish they weren't so awesome and prection at the same time. i wish i didn't even like them, i wish i didn't crazy about them. it's unhealthy but i can't help it. their smiles are too bright that it's blinding my eyes. i wish they were just the boy next door or a senior in college, so i can possibly reach them.
i wish i didn't love my boyfriend so much. i wish he would stopped being this awesome for me and made me even falling deeper. i wish he realized how filthy and bad i am, that he deserved someone hundred times better than i am. i wish he knew how self-centered and selfish i am, that i actually hate the concept of marriage even though i love kids like bad. i wish he knew how much he means to me, not just a simple fling that i would forget tomorrow. i wish he knew how much i was hurt when i needed to focus on myself on finishing my jobs for a while and neglected him in the process. i wish he knew how miserable i was when he doubted me, when he thought i hadn't even cared about him at all. i wish he could hear the sound of my heart breaking into tiny little pieces when he said 'i don't think you've ever missed me at all'. i hate it how he can make me feel like this, but at the same time i wouldn't even know what i'm gonna do without him beside me.
god i wish i can sing. i want to sing. i want to sing my frustation away. i want to release this pent up energy with singing and dancing to my heart content. i hate it when i feel utterly envious to many young singers who can sing on stage even though i know i can do better than that.
i wish i had the guts to live so brave and don't even feel the need to fulfill people's expectation about me. i wish i was free.